Does being fake to get what you need a psychopathic narcissistic technique or does it actually have a basis in evolution and in the animal kingdom?
What is it?
Tend and befriend is the gentle version of fight or flight. Tend and befriend is a tactic used in a stressful situation to care for others and need other people more than a person usually does. Instead of fighting or running away, the tactic behind tend and befriend is to reach out to others and try to become closer to people.
How does it relate?
The idea of tend and befriend is that while men display fight or flight women display tend and befriend, however, as we all know women can display fight or flight tactic while men can display tend and befriend to survive. Tend and befriend demonstrates that befriending someone else for your own interests hold power in more species than the human species. This shows that we can not blame mental illness for a person who befriends someone else without the purpose of desiring a true friendship without any strings attached. Although it is possible for some people, we can not banish psychopaths or narcissists or people with BPD or anyone else due to them being clingy and needing people for personal gain. In this case, it is needing others to help you feel better which is something we all must do in times of need, however in this case it is only when we are feeling stressed or upset we seek other people.
Tending and befriending others when in certain mental states allows for the release of Oxytocin which is similar to taking a drug or an antidepressant. The tending and befriending tactic for survival shows that sometimes needing other people in times of stress is not weak as it encourages survival in the animal kingdom.
Needy
Tend and befriend also shows that people who are upset sometimes want other people around. Instead of acknowledging their needs and letting them know we are there for them, we punish those people by pushing them off to someone else such as a psychiatrist because we think they need to be fixed or are a nuisance because they want more attention than someone else does. One of the traits of BPD is clinginess, yet what they are displaying when they become clingy is tend and befriend. We can not blame mental illness for a person displaying an evolutionary act of survival. People with BPD want people around more than usual sometimes when they are afraid or stressed out and that is exactly what evolution has taught us. The more a person with BPD senses a threat in the form of a person leaving, disliking them, or something in the environment, they may aim to tend and befriend their partner, or friends.
Shallow friendships
Psychopaths and narcissists are known for their shallow friendships that are only to service them. While that is not healthy for the individual being used, shallow friendships as a survival tactic can be traced back to tend and befriend. Since tend and befriend is only in times of need and the desire to latch onto others in times of stress is very similar to what a psychopath or a narcissist does in their friendships. Only needing people when it suits them closely describes tend and befriend survival tactic.
Open
The best way to fix this is for a psychopath or a narcissist to either be honest they only want a business relationship, a causal one, or just keep someone at a distance unless they need something. The only thing the rest of us can do is trust even a psychopath or a narcissist to make the right choice and be honest and hopefully they choose to not fool people, but be honest and open about their intent. We shouldn't stay away from narcissists or psychopaths because they are people too and deserve respect like everyone else, however while we don't want to be used or hurt, honesty is the best option in all circumstances.
Tend and befriend is the gentle version of fight or flight. Tend and befriend is a tactic used in a stressful situation to care for others and need other people more than a person usually does. Instead of fighting or running away, the tactic behind tend and befriend is to reach out to others and try to become closer to people.
How does it relate?
The idea of tend and befriend is that while men display fight or flight women display tend and befriend, however, as we all know women can display fight or flight tactic while men can display tend and befriend to survive. Tend and befriend demonstrates that befriending someone else for your own interests hold power in more species than the human species. This shows that we can not blame mental illness for a person who befriends someone else without the purpose of desiring a true friendship without any strings attached. Although it is possible for some people, we can not banish psychopaths or narcissists or people with BPD or anyone else due to them being clingy and needing people for personal gain. In this case, it is needing others to help you feel better which is something we all must do in times of need, however in this case it is only when we are feeling stressed or upset we seek other people.
Tending and befriending others when in certain mental states allows for the release of Oxytocin which is similar to taking a drug or an antidepressant. The tending and befriending tactic for survival shows that sometimes needing other people in times of stress is not weak as it encourages survival in the animal kingdom.
Needy
Tend and befriend also shows that people who are upset sometimes want other people around. Instead of acknowledging their needs and letting them know we are there for them, we punish those people by pushing them off to someone else such as a psychiatrist because we think they need to be fixed or are a nuisance because they want more attention than someone else does. One of the traits of BPD is clinginess, yet what they are displaying when they become clingy is tend and befriend. We can not blame mental illness for a person displaying an evolutionary act of survival. People with BPD want people around more than usual sometimes when they are afraid or stressed out and that is exactly what evolution has taught us. The more a person with BPD senses a threat in the form of a person leaving, disliking them, or something in the environment, they may aim to tend and befriend their partner, or friends.
Shallow friendships
Psychopaths and narcissists are known for their shallow friendships that are only to service them. While that is not healthy for the individual being used, shallow friendships as a survival tactic can be traced back to tend and befriend. Since tend and befriend is only in times of need and the desire to latch onto others in times of stress is very similar to what a psychopath or a narcissist does in their friendships. Only needing people when it suits them closely describes tend and befriend survival tactic.
Open
The best way to fix this is for a psychopath or a narcissist to either be honest they only want a business relationship, a causal one, or just keep someone at a distance unless they need something. The only thing the rest of us can do is trust even a psychopath or a narcissist to make the right choice and be honest and hopefully they choose to not fool people, but be honest and open about their intent. We shouldn't stay away from narcissists or psychopaths because they are people too and deserve respect like everyone else, however while we don't want to be used or hurt, honesty is the best option in all circumstances.
References
Luttrell,A. "Social Support and Responses to Stress: Tend and Befriend Theory | Social Psych Online." Social Psych Online. 1 Sept. 2015. Web. 15 Jan. 2018. <http://socialpsychonline.com/2015/09/social-support-stress-tend-and-befriend-theory/>
Razdan,A. "Tend and Befriend." Experience Life. n.d. Web. 15 Jan. 2018. <https://experiencelife.com/article/tend-and-befriend/>
GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog. "Tend and Befriend." GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog. 22 May 2013. Web. 15 Jan. 2018. <https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/tend-and-befriend>
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tend_and_befriend
http://www.hugthemonkey.com/2007/11/validation-for.html
http://www.personalityresearch.org/papers/mccarthy.html
Luttrell,A. "Social Support and Responses to Stress: Tend and Befriend Theory | Social Psych Online." Social Psych Online. 1 Sept. 2015. Web. 15 Jan. 2018. <http://socialpsychonline.com/2015/09/social-support-stress-tend-and-befriend-theory/>
Razdan,A. "Tend and Befriend." Experience Life. n.d. Web. 15 Jan. 2018. <https://experiencelife.com/article/tend-and-befriend/>
GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog. "Tend and Befriend." GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog. 22 May 2013. Web. 15 Jan. 2018. <https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/tend-and-befriend>
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tend_and_befriend
http://www.hugthemonkey.com/2007/11/validation-for.html
http://www.personalityresearch.org/papers/mccarthy.html